Mince pie futures

In these challenging times Grumpy Old Man has been relentlessly searching for undiscovered value and potential arbitrage opportunities.

We believe mince pies have been overlooked as a potential store of value. No longer is your average mince pie the product of an industrial stamping process somewhere in the Black Country

Quite conversely, we believe mince pies could now offer considerable upside potential.

Grumpy Old Man has been subjecting a range of these unique confections to a rigorous and scientific bench-testing process supported by selective and controlled use of microwave radiation.

He offers here some tasting notes to guide future investment decisions.

Sainsbury’s Deep Filled Mince Pies
Tall rather than deep-filled; filling rather bitter; pastry-style case, not very buttery; explodes after 40 seconds on high power
23p per pie

Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference
Light, buttery pastry which became somewhat floppy and chewy after 30 seconds in the microwave; filling offers fat raisins and plenty of brandy-type flavours
34p per pie

Sainsbury’s Connoisseur
Mincemeat of super-prime quality
53p per pie

Konditor & Cook
Well-structured, with some evidence that a rolling pin has been applied to the pastry; variable dimensions and slightly inconsistent sizing offer a good impression of artisanal provenance; available individually or in boxed tranches of six or a dozen
89p per pie

Gregg’s at the top end of Leather Lane
A rather volatile proposition, excessively sugary and highly liquid; suspiciously handmade; pastry somewhat limp and insufficiently acquainted with heat; cloying sweet mincemeat attempts to hide some sub-prime, Alt-A rated ingredients with emerging evidence of default or impairment.
27p per pie

In current market conditions we recommend eating fewer of the more expensive pies.